Boot and Belly Inspection – The internal workings of India’s security apparatus!

Posted July 2, 2013 by ashokjan24
Categories: Chennai, India, Mokkai, Soora Mokkai

Tags: , , , , ,

“These IT companies and posh hotels in India crack me up!!” said my friend visiting from the states.
“Why?” I asked.
“The security checks man!! That’s some seriously funny stuff. Do these people really think a terrorist is going to carry his weapons under the car or in the boot if he plans to attack these companies?”
I could see his point. In India we have this security protocol for big IT companies, commercial complexes and posh hotels where the security guard inspects the boot of the car. Being the “proactive pulikesis” these people, they also check the belly of the car with an “under car inspection mirror “. (This is really the name of this mirror and is being sold retail).

Under Car Inspection

Under Car Inspection

Car Boot

Car Boot Inspection

So I decided to unveil the obviously obfuscated reality behind the “Boot and Belly Inspection” to my friend.Thus.

Challenge to Terrorists

Challenge to Terrorists

Looking at such a news, you and I may feel safe that the govt is doing something to tackle terror. But guess what happens at the terrorist camp?

Place: Terror Camp

Terror Project Leader : Guys lets meet up at the 3rd cave on the right wing for a 5 min meeting.

Place: 3rd Cave in Right Wing

Terror Project Leader : Guys…(showing the above newpaper!) This is a great opportunity for you all! This is a challenging opportunity with lots to learn and grow. You may also have to travel onsite for this project. Who can overcome this new technology within the next 6 months?

Terror Newbie 1: That’s fantastic!! I’m all ready for this assignment. I can already see the weightage my resume would carry 5 yrs down the line after working in this project.

Terror Newbie 2: Awesomatic aromale sir! I would definitely like to take this project. Thank you very much for providing such a challenging opportunity!

So you see, what might be a reassuring thing for the citizens is actually a challenge to the terrorists. It’s one step short of saying “Ippo enna pannuva? Ippo enna pannuva?”.

What people don’t understand is that by investing on new technology to snoop terror plots and to stop terror attacks, the world govts are providing a fantastic career opportunity laced with challenge, teamwork, leadership and ofcourse travel. These methods only encourage  people to take up terrorism as a profession.

Whereas in India, with our usage of simple technology like “under car inspection mirror “, we ensure that the terrorists are tackled psychologically. As you see…

Place: Terror Camp

Terror Project Leader : Guys lets meet up at the 3rd cave on the right wing for a 5 min meeting.

Place: 3rd Cave in Right Wing

Terror Project Leader : Guys we have orders to bomb places in India. Who is up for it?

Terror Newbie 1: Sorry boss. I’m not interested. They treat us with no respect. What do they think of us? Checking the boot and bellly of cars as if we are idiots and carry our weapons and bombs in those places! I don’d mind working for a tough project. But I can’t work in a place where there is no respect or fear. 

Terror Newbie 2: He is right boss. I started to develop low self esteem and had to undergo treatment for depression, seeing the way they treat us. Boot and Belly inspection. For god’s sake!! Are we so dumb? I thought this career will earn me respect and fear. This is plain insulting!

Terror Project Leader : (to himself) Kamal sonna madhiriye aagidumo?? Poyi pulla kuttingala padikka vekka vendiyathu thaan!

While the whole world is pouring billions down the drain, Indians took a different approach that engages the problem at its root.

To the simple minded, our methods may seem simple. Sure. But after meditating for 6 hours on it, you will understand that Indian methods work at the metaphysical level as below and produce results.
1. Low self esteem
2. Depression
3. Any other psychological abnormalities on top of their existing ones.

So next time someone stops your car for Boot and Belly inspection, smile at the security guard and say thanks for keeping India safe.

Disclaimer: All characters referred here except me and my friend are fictitious (may be real too. How the hell would I know!).

Credits: “Awesomatic Aromale” – RJ Balaji; “Proactive Pulikesi” – your’s truly

Rate this  blog at the top if you like  or log a comment if you don’t like. Either way  provide your response so that if CBI or RAW or IB arrest me for investigation I have my friends around as well 🙂

Life of Paiyyans!! A guidebook for “paiyyans” trying to “correct” their girl friends’ parents

Posted March 25, 2013 by ashokjan24
Categories: Mini-Mokkai, Mokkai

Tags: , , , , ,

Glossary

1.Paiyyan = Boy

2.Correct = Convince

Considering the global context, men across the world take pains to impress a girl and convince her to marry them, But in India, which as always is a different playing field altogether, boys & men need to impress not just the girl but also her mother’s aunt’s father-in-law’s younger brother’s neighbour’s kid, who is 2 yrs old, and all the relatives in between.

It’s quite common for any Kutti Chuvarite to have experienced friends pouring out about their love failur due to parents not giving consent.

  • “Machi her parents are against my caste da. 😥 “
  • “Machi I’m not a Phd from Stanford da. 😥 “
  • “Machi I dont own an apartment inside the city da 😥 “
  • Machi they are expecting me to earn Rs.2500000 per year da 😥 “

While we may have come across these reasons for a girl’s parents to not give consent for a love marriage, I’ve never heard anyone saying,

  • “Machi her parents say my character is not good 😥 “

Being the curious and analytical person that I’am, I got to work on subjectively defining the qualities that would make the parents of a girl say ok to love marriage.

So here goes:

Key Variables for Parental Consent to Love Marriage

  1. Wealth – 100% Acceptance rate
  2. Caste – 66% Acceptance rate
  3. Education – 66% Acceptance rate
  4. Character – 33% Acceptance rate

Acceptable Combinations:

  1. Caste+Wealth = Consent
  2. Caste+Education = Consent
  3. Caste+Character = No consent
  4. Education+Wealth = Consent
  5. Education+Character = No consent
  6. Wealth+Character = Consent

So minimum 2 key things that youngsters should have on their side are amongst Wealth, Caste and Education. Since we have no control over caste, focus should be on Wealth & Education.

Since character is not important, acquiring wealth is not a problem 😛

Since having wealth helps in a life free of financial commitments, one is free to pursue education anywhere in the world.

Now that education can also be easily acquired, parental consent for love marriage shouldn’t be so difficult.

Incase you agree with this thesis, please print bit notice and distribute in schools and colleges in your locality to enlighten the youngsters and help them achieve their goals.

Advice for parents too. Instead of saying

“Nalla padi da, illena velai kedaikkathu!”

“Study well or else you wont get a job!”

say this –

“Nalla padi da, illena ponnu kedaikkathu!”

“Study well or else you wont get married!”

Your kid will sure prove to be the next Einstein!.

Corporate Culture & Katchi Politics – A Genetic study on how ‘Kaaka Catching’ unites the Indian populace

Posted February 17, 2013 by ashokjan24
Categories: India, Marana Mokkai, Mokkai

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

gene is a molecular unit of heredity of a living organism.

                                                                                                         – Wikipedia

If you’re one among those that distances themselves from the “Kaaka Catching” (or “Crow Catching”) Round (vattam), Big Round(maa-vattam) and other variously shaped low level politicians, I’ve got news for you. A casual peek at the adult human male behaviour in India indicates that poster otting, banner katting, katchi politics is quite analogous to the newsletter sending, email spamming corporate culture. The all pervasive underlying behaviour in question is called “Kaaka Catching” (in Tanglish) and “Crow Catching” (in English).

The etymology of “Kaaka Catching” would have to be explained in a separate blog after much deliberation and brainstorming. For now, in short, “Kaaka Catching” is otherwise known as Butt Kissing, Boot licking or Sucking Up.

How, in the afterlife paradise, you may ask, do I see a commonality in the genetic behaviour of an Indian male that ottifies posters and kattifies banner for his favourite politician or a film star with that of the computer programming, coffee day kadalai pottufying, so called “modern” Indian youth. Well, it’s just quite obvious. Infact, if you’re keen and observant, you can find multiple levels of Kaaka Catching in the following snippet.

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

Place: Party Office of Saidapet Vattam of “Srini Munnetra Kazhagam” (Srini Development Party)

Conversation between Round Secretary (Vatta Seyalallar) and Round Official (Vatta Aluvalar)

RS: See, this year, we should put up the tallest cutout in the entire Tamil Nadu for annan Srini’s birth day.

RO: Thalaiva don’t worry. We’ll put up a display that stuns everyone in the state!

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

Place: Kekkaran Mekkaran IT Solutions Conf room

Conversation between Project Leader and Software Engineer

PL: Hey listen, we should throw the nicest birthday party for our project manager.

SE: Don’t worry boss. We’ll get the most ‘ego boosting’ cake and banner for him. We’ll also throw in a “World’s Best Boss” mug!

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

(The discussion is continued in parallel from here…)

RS: I’m reiterating again man, unless we create visibility and attention of our party heads, we can’t think about getting an MLA ticket.

RO: Thalaiva..I’ll make sure Srini annan himself will notice this and you get a special place in our annan’s heart, so that you can get the MLA ticket during the upcoming elections (in mind: and so I can become the Round Secretary!!).

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

PL: I’m telling you again buddy, these are opportunities for us to create visibility and make an impact at the senior management level.

SE: Boss, I’ll make sure our PM’s ego is sufficiently boosted and he is happy so that this year’s appraisal goes smooth for you (in mind: for me too!!)

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

The end result goes something like this!!

Katchi Package

Srini_CutOut

Katchi Package

Corporate Package for Boss

BossPackage

Corporate Package for Boss

End of the day, if the annan or the boss doesn’t feel like this, your can rest assured you are still a noob in “Kaaka Catching” and you have a long way to to go in the traffic jam ridden Indian “Kaaka Catching” road.

The Boss

The Boss

So next time you drive your car in the OMR to your office while giving condescending looks at cut outs and banners, remember to remember the similarities between the corporate package you put up for your boss and the Katchi cutouts out up by the low rung politicians. And if you’re mind is scientifically bent even a little, you would understand that this is nothing but genetics at play and that you both belonged to a same ancestor few thousand years ago.

P.S. – Let history note down that Srini did his part in trying to unify Indians with his study on genetics and Kaaka Catching.

Disclaimer: For the humour and sarcasm challenged, this post is just a satire and an exaggeration. And no. There is no Srini Development Party in real world and I do not have any ambitions politically. 

Indian Spirituality & Tea Kadai Testimony!

Posted November 12, 2012 by ashokjan24
Categories: India, Marana Mokkai, Mokkai

Tags: , , , , , ,

Disclaimer: All characters, incidents mentioned here are fictional and yeah I don’t take responsibility for anything written in this blog 😛

What’s common between Mylapore & Nanganallur in Chennai, one might ask. And the answer from an unobservant, un-Mycroft-like mind would be that both have lots’a temples. But for a keenly observant mind, it goes much more than that.

People from the United States, if you’re wondering from where the Indian whiz kids that make up the majority of Silicon Valley’s  start-ups and boot-ups come from, its precisely from these two places from the city of Chennai. Chances are, any 60 and older person you meet in these two places has a son or daughter studying in Stanford, MIT or any other top school for Science & Technology or working in top companies like Microsoft, Google, Facebook etc.

And all those 60 and above persons would have visited the US atleast once and some of them may even be green card holders spending 6 months in India and 6 months in the States. Overhearing such 60 year olds while standing in line to meet Mr.Kabali in Mylapore, I happenned to ponder over the vagaries of life yet again. And I decided at that moment, unlike last time when I got enlightenment in the Japanese town of Suzuki, I would this time seek answers from an Indian guru meditating atop the sacred hills of “Tirisulam”, for the lack of vacation leaves this year.

After an arduous task of driving through peak hour Chennai traffic and negotiating the slow driving of America going Mylaporites and Nanganallurites near the Chennai airport, I reached the foothills of Tirisulam. Deciding to take a tea break, I took a seat(or a bench) in the tea shop close by.

Sipping hot water with a slight tea flavouring, I pondered over the discussion I overheard in Mr. Kabali’s abode. It went like this :

Mr. Subbu..what I'm saying is.......

Mr. Subbu..what I’m saying is…….

“Mr.Vaithy: Hello Mr. Subramaniam! How are you? When did you come back from the States?”

“Mr.Subbu: Hello Mr.Vaidyanathan! I’m very good. Just came back last Sunday. In Singapore Airlines. This time I strictly told my son, who is working in Facebook, to not book in any other flights!!”

“Mr.Vaithy: Ya ya! They are the best airlines. Enna service enna service!!! So how was life in Palo Alto??”

“Mr.Subbu: What to say Mr.Vaithy!! It’s a materialistic life there. Only in India do we find Spiritualism. Only Spiritualism gives comfort to the mind. All these western countries are running behind money!!”

“Mr.Vaithy: Absolutely Mr.Subbu. Spiritually enriching life in India is the best.”

And the conversation continued on the nature of spiritually enriching life in India amongst other topics such as 2 hour powercut in the state, Arvind Kejriwal and the Bama vs. Rukmaney contest (although I think this was about Obama vs. Romney contest..oh what the hell..I may have heard it wrong).

My deep thinking was disturbed by loud discussion between two guys, who were most probably drivers of cab services that ply to the airport, who came to the tea shop as well.

“Enna pa…night full duty’a innikku??”

“illa pa…en duty over.. just now dropped a family in the airport who is sending off their son to US.”

“Yaen pa…why is everyone going to the US?? India’la thaan we have spirituality and happiness!!”

“Innapa solre?? In India everything is centered on Money. US is exact opposite of that!!”

“You’re telling the exact opposite!!! How do you say this??”

“Listen – Based on what are Indian marriages arranged?”

“Mostly family decides based on the couple’s caste, family status, available properties and also if the boy and girl like each other.”

“Right. But what will happen if the caste, family status and properties don’t match but the boy and girl like each other??”

“Then they will not proceed with the marriage!”

“Right. So caste and money are the fulcrums that hold the marriage together. Agree??”

“Hmm…I’m not sure!!”

“Take your time!! Think about it. Also consider this. Why do we not encourage our kids in sports, or other non-science courses?”

“Ennapa ippdi kekkare?? If they study something non-science and play sports, how will they make money?”

“So we believe children will be happy only with money and not by doing what they like.”

“I’m confused!”

“It’s easy. What I’m trying to say is, Indians base everything with money. But say we are a spiritualistic country. Whereas in the US and other western countries, they marry out of love and do jobs as per their liking while money is a positive cause-effect.”

“But What about our temples? Our peace of mind due to our spirituality??”

“What peace of mind? When does a person in India lives with peace??

  • He struggles to get his daughter married to a rich family.
  • Makes his son study science while restricting his other talents for sports and arts.
  • Ensures he earns well abroad in the States or Europe.
  • Basically we search for spiritual peace by accomplishing material goals.
  • I don’t know what spiritual peace is but one thing i’m sure of is it is definitely not what we have in India.”

“So you’re saying caring for our kids to have a prosperous life is wrong??”

“Ofcourse not. All I’m saying is, don’t call yourself  spiritual when your peace depends on materialistic accomplishments.”

“I don’t understand a thing man!! All I know is, I get my “spirit”ual peace in TASMAC :)”

Off they went. But things began to clear up for me. Now I have no need to go uphill to meet the sage. This Tea kadai is my bodhi tree.

Automania – Chennai Extreme

Posted March 25, 2012 by ashokjan24
Categories: Auto, Chennai, Soora Mokkai

Tags: , , , , , ,
Automania - Chennai Extreme

Automania - Chennai Extreme

Game Synopsis

The city is Chennai & the year is 2012. Using fare meters in autorickshaws has been a history for over 20 years. It is a time when the city is outside the purview of limitations of physics. Autorickshaws could pass through cycle gaps. Autorickshaws increased in number exponentially every year and one could see a minimum of 5 autorickshaws simultaneously anytime they ventured out of their homes. But the fares only increased instead of reducing, converse to the universal law of supply and demand. It was a time when Autorickshaws ruled the roads and Autorickshaw drivers set the road rules.

Do you have it in you to assume the role of a road user in Chennai to curb the Autorickshaw menace from the city?

Real Chennai Map

Real Chennai Map

  • Play as a Pedestrian, Car driver, Bike rider, Cycle rider or even a Cop.
  • Adhere to the traffic laws and increase your ammunition.
  • Collect points by throwing hand-grenades at autorickshaws that cut you off or scrath your vehicle.
  • Deal with other traffic offenders in the sidelines.
  • Play with real Chennai street view.

Mission List:

1. The case of  Honk Arumugam

Eliminate the horn menace in the city by finding and tracking and eliminating compulsive honkers one by one until you meet Honk Arumugam for a final showdown.

2. Showdown with Lame Lane Lakshman

Enforce lane system in the Mount Road by assuming the role of a sniper and shooting down lane changes and frequent lane cutters without indicators. When Lame Lane Lakshman tracks you for revenge, finish him off to go to the next level.

3. Final Frontier with Noor-rooba Narayanasamy

After eliminating the Honking & Lane cutting menaces from the city, curb the overcharging problem by tracking, kidnapping & taking hostage of Noor-rooba Narayanasamy who charges nothing less than Rs.100 (Noor-rooba) for even a short distance like Gemini Flyover to Teynampet.

Bonus Games

As a bonus, the gamers can also enjoy a free hand in roaming about the city, tackling corrupt cops, kicking the speeding bikers, throwing hand grenades at travel cabs etc.

There is also a ‘”Time Run” bonus game where the objective is to reach Madhya Kailash from Siruseri within 20 minutes in peak traffic. The gamers can throw grenades, shoot bazookas and even fly for a short distance to travel faster. This game is believed to be a stress buster for a lot of commuters going in that stretch of Chennai.

User Review:

User Ramesh

User Ramesh

” I find this game fascinating. I loaded this into my PSP and I play this daily while I wait in my office bus in the OMR stretch for 2 hours on the way to office and 2 hours on the way back home. It feels real since the maps are also actual places in the Chennai city. I feel relieved when I can shoot bazookas at erring autorickshaw drivers. And the funny thing is, the Noor-rooba Narayanasamy character is someone we meet everyday in Chennai. I love this game!!

P.S. I wopuld like to see Chennai Lnaguage cursing in the next version of this game so I can vent out my frustrations in an even more realistic manner.”

– Ramesh (Software Engineer working in Kekkaran & Mekkaran Company in OMR)

Also watch out for our upcoming releases in the Chennai Extreme series – BikerBash, CabDriver Kill and Pedestrian Hunt.

All rights reserved.

Kutti Chuvar Chronicles – Part 4 – Honoring an Ancient Kutti Chuvarite Tradition

Posted August 24, 2011 by ashokjan24
Categories: India, Marana Mokkai

Tags: , , , , ,

This post is a homage and a dedication to all those kutti chuvarites who fight tooth and nail to uphold an ancient Kutti Chuvar tradition

Most people know Indians invented the zero. Have you ever asked WHY?

Did you know that a Kutti Chuvarite was instrumental in helping invent zero??

Circa 5th Century BC

Location: Kutti Chuvar – Somewhere in India

3 Kutti Chuvarites discussing about the mathematics test scheduled for the next day.

KC 1 – Did anyone study for the maths test scheduled tomorrow by Pingala Sir?

KC 2 – Not yet…but I’m gonna study right after this game of Soma Pong.

KC 1 – Dude that’s the spirit…

KC 3 – Guys, this is bad. Pingala sir sets really tough questions for the tests. I’m going to go and study.

KC 1 – You go now and you’ll be kicked out of the Kutti Chuvar

KC 3 – That’s fine. I’m going to concentrate on my studies and become a great inventor and have my name etched for eternity.

KC 1 – Well I’m gonna write so much in the answer palm leaf tomorrow that I’m going to be honored for eternity by the whole world.

Present: 2011 AD

Location: Some Kutti Chuvar in Southern Parts of Chennai City

KC 1: Fellas do you know why we invented Zero?

KC 2:  Sure. here is how the story goes..during the ancient times, in the University of Pataliputra, a certain mathematics teacher was correcting the answer palm leaves of the Quarterly examination conducted for class 10 students. One great Kutti Chuvarite,  in that class had written so much garbage in his answer palm leaf that the mathematics teacher had to invent a new number “0” to grade him.

Ancient Kutti Chuvarite Helping the Invention of Zero

Ancient Kutti Chuvarite Helping the Invention of Zero

That’s the first person in history to score zero in exams. That is why we Indians still honor him by scoring a zero in atleast one test in a lifetime.

Indians, as we know are very proud of their heritage. They wouldn’t miss an opportunity to showcase their rich cultural history & honour their First Zero Getter whenever they get a chance.

For e.g.

The Indian cricketers find it against their culture to hit a ball, which is in the shape of a zero, which is why they get out so early without scoring runs.

Also, Indian Cricketers score zero runs in matches to honour our ancient inventors and proclaim our achievement to the world.

Sehwag Honouring India's Ancient Kutti Chuvarite!!

Sehwag Honouring India's Ancient Kutti Chuvarite!!

Infact, India’s Parliament is a structural homage to the first zero getting Kutti Chuvarite!!

Indian Parliament - A Structural Homage to FZGKC

Indian Parliament - A Structural Homage to FZGKC

So whats the moral of the story, you may ask.

It is that, don’t scold your kids for scoring zero for they are honoring their ancestors and upholding an ancient tradition!!!

Credit – The original modern day Kutti Chuvarite who came up with the reasoning behind the invention of Zero is him. I’m surprised for his devotion & homage to Zero scorers since I remember he always scored 5 marks in any form of exam..nothing more, nothing less.

Paalayathamman and the Pompom girls

Posted May 18, 2011 by ashokjan24
Categories: Chennai, Mokkai

Tags: , , ,

Tamils and Tamil Nadu have contributed to the culture of the world more than one can imagine.

For example, a few English words that have their origin in Tamil are

Mulligatawny Soup – Melagu Thanni Rasam

Catamaran – Kattumaram

Rice – Arisi

Cash – Kaasu

Mango – Maanga

But quite possibly the best influence on the world from Tamil Nadu has to be cheerleading.

The so called “moral police” in India have so much of moral leaking from their head and blinding their eyes that they oppose cheerleading, forgetting the fact that their ancestors were the ones that invented cheerleading and interestingly, pompoms.

For over 2000 years the Tamils have been worshipping 1008 ammans in all sorts of villages and towns. And if you look closely, amman worship is always accompanied by village ladies in yellow sarees dancing with neem leaves pompoms. Take a look all you moral police.


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